I want to let you all know I was in love. Yes, in love. Long ago, His smile broke the shield and invaded my heart. The fifteen years heart of mine started to beat fast. The boy with dark hair, Hazel eyes, sun burnt color, and textured quiff haircut. Our little moment of stare about to end, my heart sank. The thought came to my mind what if I will not meet him in the future. I couldn’t take it so I reached out to him. “Hey, your handkerchief” Yes I know the dumb move. Dumber because the piece of cloth I gave him is pink with a little lady embedded.
I couldn‘t decipher the meaning of his look whether he was angry I gave him lady’s handkerchief. You know some boys might find it offensive. Or he appreciated me with his eyes at least I tried.
“Oh sorry, I overlook the fact this is a ladies piece.” Yes I know I did blunder again.
But he smiled at me and started to fade away in the midst of the crowd.
All the day I thought about him. Cursing myself for not create a good chance.
You will consider me feebleminded after this statement: I hide nothing from my mother. Nothing at all even my first crush when I was eleven years old. Or the dirty talks which my friends Chelsea and Bree exchanged, they both sighed strangely when they looked handsome guys.
“Desperate Ladies” my mom used to say with a laugh when I told her their idiosyncratic talks.
By then the desperation came into me. I formed the habit to look for him. I am about to tell my mom about him. But something happened. After the shopping, I and my Mom headed towards home. “Oh God, these teenagers don’t know the manners see they are smoking in front of elders, in our time…..” Mom was complaining, But I totally ignored her further sentences my dream boy was standing with them. Plus I disagreed with Mom. He was not the one who smoked, he just conversed with them.
“Not all teenagers Mom, see the boy in the black shirt he is innocent.” My mom looked me suspiciously. I stared in another direction to hide my emotions.
She made me look to her by saying “Rebby, the bad company always make a person bad. No one came out clean from the dirt.” I protested, “Mom you cannot judge the person by their companions, you know my friends… and you always said I am very different from them.” My mom said nothing further. But from her gaze, I can decipher she didn’t like him. So, I didn’t tell her about him. I didn’t want to create panic among us. He was just crush of mine. Also not acknowledged his relationship status whether he was single or not.
The day came after months when he approached me on the day in which I am upset. Because this was the day my father left me and my Mom for another world. I tried hard to avoid Chelsea and Bree because I know they will make me laugh. I want to indulge in sorrow so I hide from them and just sitting on the parking area bench. “Hey, you forgot your wallet.” Behind the bench voice came I shifted the attention with wide eyes. He was standing in front of me in the black t-shirt and khaki pants. He raised the wallet towards me with the smile I fell for.
“Oh sorry, I overlook the fact it is gent’s because girls don’t use wallets.” He put the wallet in his pants front pocket. I was still confused he just taken the revenge from me or he wanted to talk.
After an awkward silence he continued, “Yes, I know the dumb move, By the way, I am Roland.” “Oh, Hi Rebbecca.” I retorted with excitement all the sadness vented out from me.
“Rebecca why you are sitting here alone?”
I was uncomfortable to talk about my father. In my home, my mom avoided talking about him as well. But I felt he is mine there is no harm to discuss the matter which I prevented the most. So I told him how much my father loved me. Although I was eight when he died but there is a chunk of memory of him which enable me to tell we went to Ice crème Parlor to get crunch Ice cream, every day. He used to go to the park with me and push me on the swing. When I got worried because of horror movies he has taken me to his lap and pat me till my sleep. And then he got sick very sick. He left to pat me or going to the park…. everything. After that, I found him on the wooden bed. They buried the bed with him.”
Roland understood me he hugged me “Oh Rebecca I am sorry for your loss. Why your Mom did not remarry again?”
“She dated guys, but she thinks they wouldn’t treat me as a father. Now she stops dating and concentrating on me.”
“Lucky You” The wave of sadness came on Roland’s face. “You know Rebecca my mom left me and my father for another guy.” “Oh Sorry…” The instantaneous reply came from my mouth. I wanted to say more but he interrupted me. “Oh, not important she is not important to me.”
To divert the conversation, I started to tell about my Mom. “Most of the people avoid parents to share their views. All I have left my mom, after my father death her life revolves around me. Yes, it is not important to describe I love her either as much she loves me because it is a universal truth. After Job and my homework, she listens all happening of mine in a day and pass some suggestions also. Mostly suggestions like, “Rebecca I know you are introvert don’t do something stupid in the flow with your girls” or “Be yourself, honey, I like you like this”.
“Sometimes I am amazed she supported me on the occasion in which she knew the fault was mine. Like in the Birthday Party of Angie, I was 9 years old and I cut the cake before birthday girl. My reason was “Angie complaint she didn’t like the cake so I cut the cake.”
“It became a mess but my mom supported me.”
“However, As usual after the birthday she castigated me ‘Look, Rebecca, we don’t cut the birthday cakes of others. It’s impolite.’ I never did this mistake again despite the fact I loved fancy cakes.”
In a zone, I talked about my mother but I noticed his sadness deepened when he heard about my mom. Another blunder in excitement, C’mon Rebecca did he not mention his mother left him? Why are you so messy? Yes sometimes, I have a problem to understand the sentiments of others. But he smiled anyway, “So your Mom is so special, I want to meet her.” My expression changed, I was also bad at hiding my expressions. I knew my Mom didn’t like him. I had to make some excuse, “She works whole day so she avoids meeting at night.” “Oh, Ok”
Straight away he determined I was making excuse.
He changed the topic and we talked about not important issues. Like about weather, sports, and politics in which I haven’t any interest. Plus I noticed after I refused to let him meet my Mom he became stranger again. The part of our discussion before Mom’s topic was indulging like we felt some connection. After Mom’s talk part was we are parting again.
“Ok, Rebecca I have to go for a class will meet you soon.” He stood from the bench and went away from me. Yes, he talked to me but I sabotaged all this conversation. The whole day I was angry with me to ruin the chance with him again.
My anger hadn’t been staying for a day. He was standing in front of me again giving me one more chance. I indulged with resolute, not this time I will sabotage this talk. This resolute made me more nervous and I fall flat. For example, to look more confident I greeted him with the words, “Roland the muscular Man, how are you?” Roland looked at his body in amazement. Yes, he was a sports guy but not very muscular. He was just sixteen.
On the first spot bench in Parking, we sat again. When he told me about something like he scored a goal today in Soccer I fake gasped and exclaimed: “That’s great”. Or fakes laugh when he told me knock-knock jokes, which I listened trillion times.
I sincerely hoped he wouldn’t notice my desperation, But he did. He came closer to me. “Hey Rebecca I know you are nervous, so am I, but relax we both together will do great in our life.” He put his head on my forehead to see in my eyes. “Oh God, you are beautiful, I want to kiss you but I won’t until you subside this edgy Rebecca.” Again he left me…. but with a positive vibe. The words Together, Oh God, you are beautiful; I want to kiss you tickled on my mind.
But he gave me a challenge. To not be a fake, He wanted to see a real Rebecca and I accepted the challenge. I will put off the avatar of shyness.